At a joint press conference this morning in Milwaukee, Sports Illustrated and Donald Trump announced plans to create a special edition "candidates' wives" swimsuit issue. Said Trump, “As you all know, I cherish women and this is just another way for me to prove it." Sports Illustrated's editor, Paul Fichtenbaun, was happy and relieved. “We sell 600,000 copies of our magazine a year but 599,000 of them are the swimsuit issue.” He continued, “We have tried selling everything else- from Steph Curry’s amazing year to the top 10 racist sports team owners." "But … [Read more...]
Business
News Flash: Donald Launches New “Trump Phone” Business
At a joint press conference today in Atlanta, Donald Trump and Samsung announced that they have teamed up to launch a new line of cell phones. The initial model is named The Klan and will only come in white. A cheerful Mr. Trump said, "Black was simply out of the question. If you like that color, talk to Hillary." Samsung President, Oh-Yung Kwon, commented, "Given his success with Trump Steaks, Trump University, Trump Mortgage and Trump Casinos we are very excited to partner with Donald on this venture." When Trump was asked about the features on the new phone, he … [Read more...]
News Flash: Goldman Sachs To Acquire Bernie Sanders
Last night, in a stunning move, Lloyd Blankfein- Chief Executive Officer of Goldman Sachs- announced that his firm has acquired Bernie Sanders. Asked for the reasoning behind this move, Mr. Blankfein said, "We just can't allow someone with Sanders' economic views to become President." Blankfein added, "In my humble opinion and once again, I had to do God's work." A senior Goldman executive also commented. "Given that we already own Clinton, Trump, Cruz and Rubio, we had to protect ourselves against a Bernie Sanders win." Asked what happens if Sanders doesn't win, a … [Read more...]
News Flash: Dressed As Trump, “El Chapo” Escapes Again
In another embarrassing moment for Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto, Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman has escaped yet again from prison, just 48 hours after his most recent arrest. According to sources, El Chapo was last seen dressed as Donald Trump, getting into the back of a beat up car. Coronel Wilhelm Klink- Director of Mexico's Prison System said, "We were ready for all scenarios except this one." Klink continued, "Our guards were prepared for helicopter landings, shoot-outs and trampolines but not an orange wig and a gypsy cab." Details are sketchy but sources … [Read more...]
News Flash: Bernie Sanders To Ban “1%” From Returning To America
At a press conference today in Burlington, Vermont, Bernie Sanders announced that all American billionaires on overseas Christmas vacations will be banned from returning to US soil. Said Sanders, "I think it is outrageous that the top 1% of Americans have over 95% of the wealth." He continued, "This is financial terrorism and if these people refuse to redistribute their money, they will not be allowed back home." The news caused shock waves from Anguilla to Zermatt. The private chef of a New York hedge fund titan vacationing in Barbados said, "My boss is … [Read more...]