At a fundraiser today in Miami, Hillary Clinton angrily condemned Mitt Romney for his comments about Donald Trump. Said Clinton, "I am furious at Mitt. I begged him to make a similar speech about me but he refused." A Clinton spokesman said, "We haven't given up hope. If we can only get Mitt to completely diss Hillary, then she can start measuring the drapes at the White House." In Portland, Maine, a smiling Donald Trump told a raucous crowd, "Tough luck Hillary, you just don't have what it takes to get a Romney insult." Trump continued, "I am going to send Mitt … [Read more...]
News Flash: Hillary Clinton Diagnosed With Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD)
At a press conference today in Derry, New Hampshire, Hillary Clinton announced that doctors have diagnosed her with MPD- Multiple Personality Disorder. According to the Center For Disease Controls, MPD is a condition that is characterized by the appearance of at least two distinct and relatively enduring identities or dissociated personality states. A Clinton operative commented, “Over the last few months it just got to the point where we needed an intervention.” He continued, “Doctors ran a battery of tests including watching videos of all her campaign events and … [Read more...]
News Flash: GOP Nomination To Be Decided By Steel Cage Death Match
At a press conference this morning in Des Moines, Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus announced that the process for choosing the GOP nominee has been changed. Said Priebus, "We are canceling all of the primaries and this will all be decided at tomorrow night's steel cage elimination match." Sources say the match will follow all rules of the World Wide Wrestling Federation. He explained, "Last night was a circus. I am tired of all of this bickering between the candidates. Plus, Iowa has run out of peanuts" Priebus added, "And Donald, if … [Read more...]
News Flash: Hillary Clinton Named The Real Miss Universe
In yet another surprising development surrounding the Miss Universe pageant, Hillary Clinton was awarded the crown today leaving Miss Colombia, Miss Philippines and pageant fans everywhere stunned. Paula Shugart, President of the Pageant, said, "On behalf of our entire organization, I wish to apologize, but I can think of no more worthy a winner than Mrs. Clinton. She embodies all that the pageant stands for." Rumors swirled as to what caused all of the confusion. A senior Miss Universe insider, did comment off the record. "It seems that our pageant host, … [Read more...]
News Flash: Rerun Of Jeopardy Draws More Viewers Than Democratic Debate
According to the Nielsen ratings, only 236 Americans watched last night's Democratic debate. Ann Sweeney, President of ABC said, "I guess my idea of holding the debate on the Saturday before Christmas wasn't that great." She continued, "I also wish to announce that I am leaving ABC to pursue other opportunities." When asked about the debate's dismal ratings, Hillary Clinton said, "I am disappointed that they weren't lower. My goal was to have a viewer number in the single digits." Post debate, a jubilant Martin O'Malley went into the crowded "spin room" and … [Read more...]