In what came as a big surprise, Postmaster General Louis DeJoy announced today that Jesus had delivered him a completed mail-in ballot for the upcoming Presidential election. Said DeJoy, "I was sleeping soundly last night when the Messiah appeared in my bedroom and handed me the sealed envelope." The Postmaster continued, "Jesus said that over the last few months he and his father have been watching Trump's handling of the pandemic, the Black Lives Matter movement and the removal of Confederate statues.' "Donald saying that Uncle Joe was anti-his father was the last … [Read more...]
News Flash: Republicans Seen Arriving In Jonestown Guyana
Roger Scott, Newsweek's Guyanese Bureau Chief, reported today that a Boeing 757 full of senior GOP officials had landed at Jagan International Airport. The passengers then transferred to a 2PM bus to Jonestown. Jonestown is the infamous site of the 1978 mass suicide where 900 Americans took their lives. Mr. Scott said, "Over 100 passengers were on the plane, including, Senators, Congressman, failed Presidential candidates as well as Fox News Executives." Scott continued, "Romney was clearly in charge and just like one of those Japanese tour guide leaders, Mitt … [Read more...]
News Flash: Trump Has Terrible Premonition- Drops Out Of Race
In a stunning development this morning, Melania Trump announced that her husband is dropping out of the presidential race. When asked why, a clearly shaken Mrs. Trump said, “Donald had such a terrible dream last night that it has made him reconsider whether he wants to become President.” Mrs. Trump went on to explain. “Donald dreamt that it was our first night in the Trump House- our name for the newly gold-plated White House." "After putting up his hair and getting into our triple king-size bed, he started tossing and turning- becoming very anxious about being the … [Read more...]
News Flash: CDC Investigating Mysterious New York Voting Day Virus
At a news conference today in Manhattan, Governor Cuomo announced that many New Yorkers are suffering from a mysterious virus. Health practitioners are perplexed by the sudden onset and the Center for Disease Control is now investigating the situation. Thomas Friedan, Director of the CDC explained, "All we know is that hundreds of thousand of New Yorkers began to feel symptoms early Tuesday morning. Symptoms include headaches, vertigo and then severe confusion." Howard Zucker, Director of the New York Health Commission added, "Many reported feeling ill as soon … [Read more...]
News Flash: Trump and Sports Illustrated Release Candidates’ Wives Swimsuit Edition
At a joint press conference this morning in Milwaukee, Sports Illustrated and Donald Trump announced plans to create a special edition "candidates' wives" swimsuit issue. Said Trump, “As you all know, I cherish women and this is just another way for me to prove it." Sports Illustrated's editor, Paul Fichtenbaun, was happy and relieved. “We sell 600,000 copies of our magazine a year but 599,000 of them are the swimsuit issue.” He continued, “We have tried selling everything else- from Steph Curry’s amazing year to the top 10 racist sports team owners." "But … [Read more...]
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