At a press conference last night in front of Ted Cruz's childhood home in Calgary, Donald Trump said he has changed his mind yet again and now plans to hold a rally later today in Canada's third largest city. Said Trump, "Look folks, it is time to take Ted on in his home turf and I definitely plan to go after his Canadian values." When asked by a reporter what he means by Canadian values, Trump responded, "I think everyone knows what they are." When pressed, Trump said, "He is pro-Molson Ale, cold weather and Olympic curling. Everything that … [Read more...]
Politics
News Flash: Goldman Sachs To Acquire Bernie Sanders
Last night, in a stunning move, Lloyd Blankfein- Chief Executive Officer of Goldman Sachs- announced that his firm has acquired Bernie Sanders. Asked for the reasoning behind this move, Mr. Blankfein said, "We just can't allow someone with Sanders' economic views to become President." Blankfein added, "In my humble opinion and once again, I had to do God's work." A senior Goldman executive also commented. "Given that we already own Clinton, Trump, Cruz and Rubio, we had to protect ourselves against a Bernie Sanders win." Asked what happens if Sanders doesn't win, a … [Read more...]
News Flash: Dressed As Trump, “El Chapo” Escapes Again
In another embarrassing moment for Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto, Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman has escaped yet again from prison, just 48 hours after his most recent arrest. According to sources, El Chapo was last seen dressed as Donald Trump, getting into the back of a beat up car. Coronel Wilhelm Klink- Director of Mexico's Prison System said, "We were ready for all scenarios except this one." Klink continued, "Our guards were prepared for helicopter landings, shoot-outs and trampolines but not an orange wig and a gypsy cab." Details are sketchy but sources … [Read more...]
News Flash: Bernie Sanders To Ban “1%” From Returning To America
At a press conference today in Burlington, Vermont, Bernie Sanders announced that all American billionaires on overseas Christmas vacations will be banned from returning to US soil. Said Sanders, "I think it is outrageous that the top 1% of Americans have over 95% of the wealth." He continued, "This is financial terrorism and if these people refuse to redistribute their money, they will not be allowed back home." The news caused shock waves from Anguilla to Zermatt. The private chef of a New York hedge fund titan vacationing in Barbados said, "My boss is … [Read more...]
News Flash: Trump In Mexican Twitter War Over Post-Christmas Return Policies
In an ongoing development, Donald Trump tried to "return" eleven million illegals to Mexico yesterday. The effort proved unsuccessful as he did not have the original receipts. This escalated into a full blown Twitter war between Trump and Mexican President, Enrique Pena Nieto. Trump fired the first shot when he tweeted, "I told Enrique or Enrico- or whatever his name is- that these were gifts that I did not want and certainly didn't ask for." Trump continued, "He then had the nerve to tell me that without all eleven million receipts, I couldn't send them … [Read more...]