In an ongoing development, Donald Trump tried to "return" eleven million illegals to Mexico yesterday. The effort proved unsuccessful as he did not have the original receipts. This escalated into a full blown Twitter war between Trump and Mexican President, Enrique Pena Nieto. Trump fired the first shot when he tweeted, "I told Enrique or Enrico- or whatever his name is- that these were gifts that I did not want and certainly didn't ask for." Trump continued, "He then had the nerve to tell me that without all eleven million receipts, I couldn't send them … [Read more...]
Politics
News Flash: Hillary Clinton Named The Real Miss Universe
In yet another surprising development surrounding the Miss Universe pageant, Hillary Clinton was awarded the crown today leaving Miss Colombia, Miss Philippines and pageant fans everywhere stunned. Paula Shugart, President of the Pageant, said, "On behalf of our entire organization, I wish to apologize, but I can think of no more worthy a winner than Mrs. Clinton. She embodies all that the pageant stands for." Rumors swirled as to what caused all of the confusion. A senior Miss Universe insider, did comment off the record. "It seems that our pageant host, … [Read more...]
News Flash: Rerun Of Jeopardy Draws More Viewers Than Democratic Debate
According to the Nielsen ratings, only 236 Americans watched last night's Democratic debate. Ann Sweeney, President of ABC said, "I guess my idea of holding the debate on the Saturday before Christmas wasn't that great." She continued, "I also wish to announce that I am leaving ABC to pursue other opportunities." When asked about the debate's dismal ratings, Hillary Clinton said, "I am disappointed that they weren't lower. My goal was to have a viewer number in the single digits." Post debate, a jubilant Martin O'Malley went into the crowded "spin room" and … [Read more...]
News Flash: Trump To Build Four Luxury Condos in Iraq and Syria.
Donald Trump announced today that he will be constructing four new luxury condos in Syria and Iraq. They will be built in Damascus, Tikrit, Mosul and Palmyra. When asked why he chose to build in the heart of the war-torn Middle East, Trump replied, "Muslims are terrible people but I love them, particularly as they have bought a tremendous number of my apartments in New York and Florida." Trump continued, "And now that I will not be allowing these people back on American soil I thought they should at least be given the opportunity to live in a place with … [Read more...]
News Flash: Trump Performs Don Rickles Tribute In Las Vegas
In a surprising move, Donald Trump performed a Don Rickles tribute last night at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas. Trump said, “The show was amazing. I have to admit though I was concerned, particularly as Don's humor is very mild and politically correct.” The performance received decidedly mixed reviews. Jimbo Rivers a reporter for the Birmingham Alabama Tribune was thrilled, “I gave it two guns up.” Ali Tariq Shik a reporter for Al Jazeera had a different take on the performance. A clearly shaken Shik said, “Trump blew me away, and I mean literally. The lunatic … [Read more...]