In what came as a big surprise, Postmaster General Louis DeJoy announced today that Jesus had delivered him a completed mail-in ballot for the upcoming Presidential election. Said DeJoy, "I was sleeping soundly last night when the Messiah appeared in my bedroom and handed me the sealed envelope." The Postmaster continued, "Jesus said that over the last few months he and his father have been watching Trump's handling of the pandemic, the Black Lives Matter movement and the removal of Confederate statues.' "Donald saying that Uncle Joe was anti-his father was the last … [Read more...]
News Flash: CDC Investigating Mysterious New York Voting Day Virus
At a news conference today in Manhattan, Governor Cuomo announced that many New Yorkers are suffering from a mysterious virus. Health practitioners are perplexed by the sudden onset and the Center for Disease Control is now investigating the situation. Thomas Friedan, Director of the CDC explained, "All we know is that hundreds of thousand of New Yorkers began to feel symptoms early Tuesday morning. Symptoms include headaches, vertigo and then severe confusion." Howard Zucker, Director of the New York Health Commission added, "Many reported feeling ill as soon … [Read more...]
News Flash: Trump and Sports Illustrated Release Candidates’ Wives Swimsuit Edition
At a joint press conference this morning in Milwaukee, Sports Illustrated and Donald Trump announced plans to create a special edition "candidates' wives" swimsuit issue. Said Trump, “As you all know, I cherish women and this is just another way for me to prove it." Sports Illustrated's editor, Paul Fichtenbaun, was happy and relieved. “We sell 600,000 copies of our magazine a year but 599,000 of them are the swimsuit issue.” He continued, “We have tried selling everything else- from Steph Curry’s amazing year to the top 10 racist sports team owners." "But … [Read more...]
News Flash: Obama Picks Trump For Supreme Court Nominee
In a surprising move this morning, President Obama tapped Donald Trump as his nominee for the open Supreme Court seat. Political pundits say that this is a shrewd move and certainly puts Republicans in a pickle. Senator Mitch McConnell agreed, "As a party, we now need to decide which is worse- Trump as Justice or President." McConnell continued, "On the plus side, Donald being Justice takes his tiny little hands off of the nuclear button." "On the down side though, can you imagine having to put up with Justice Trump for life." Political analysts feel … [Read more...]
News Flash: Trump Launches Home Shopping Network.
Earlier this morning, Donald Trump announced that he will be starting a new TV shopping business. Mr. Trump commented, "Look people, this is a tremendous idea. I will sell so much merchandise it is going to make your head spin." Trump continued, "Last week, at my Michigan primary victory speech, I sold 2,000 pounds of Trump steaks, 10,000 cases of Trump water and 85 new memberships to my beautiful golf club." "Trump University also did absolutely fabulous, even with the Chinese." A spokesman for Trump University confirmed this, saying, "Every single Chinese … [Read more...]
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