September 16th, 2015- Donald Trump appeared at Jack Trice Stadium this past Saturday in Ames Iowa for what he thought was his biggest campaign event this year.
Walking from his helicopter into the stadium parking lot, Trump told CNN, “55,000 screaming fans are here to see me. Can you believe they are now tailgating for my events? I am huge here. Jeb would be lucky to sell out a Des Moines Chuck E Cheese.”
Things got chaotic almost immediately. Trump became angry when he saw many attendees wearing black “Go Hawkeye” t-shirts instead of his “Make America Great Again” merchandise.
One such fan was John Walters. “Trump came up to me and shouted, “These are terrible shirts, the Chinese probably made them. Only Carly Fiorina would wear something this ugly.”
On the way inside the stadium Trump bumped into a group of obviously inebriated fans. Trump screamed “get out of my way you idiots and why do you have “Go Cyclone” hats on?” Johnny Bradshaw explained to Trump that they were here for the Iowa vs. Iowa State football grudge match and that the Cyclone was the mascot for Iowa State. Trump scoffed, “Cyclones? what morons would name their team after a natural disaster. Sounds a lot like Jeb Bush’s campaign.”
Trump entered the stadium. Incensed, he marched out to mid-field and took out a gold plated megaphone. “Excuse me. What kind of people would play a football game today when they know I am in town? I will tell you what kind of people. Hayseeds that go to Iowa or Iowa State. I mean, what are your SAT scores, 1100? If you were smart like me, you would have gone to the Wharton School of Finance. We have no football games there.”
The crowd became hushed as Trump continued. “The only thing I like about this whole event are the cheerleaders. I cherish cheerleaders, that is as long as they are here legally. I also love that some of their rich boyfriends pay top dollar for my apartments.”
Trump went on to give his views on Iowa’s cuisine. “What kind of food do you people eat out here? Everything is fried and on a stick. I mean who in their right mind would eat fried butter or cheeseburgers on a stick? I will tell you who, only rednecks and Chris Christie.”
Continuing his month long attack on Nabisco, “I know one thing folks, and that is if I were President, I would ban fried Oreos until Nabisco shut down its plant in Mexico. People, do you want rapists and murderers making your cookies?
Before storming off of the field, Trump ended his remarks by saying “you folks deserve to live in Iowa. I hate Iowa, it is a terrible place.”
The stadium erupted and gave Trump a standing ovation. Jane Edgerton a senior at Iowa State commented, “The crowd has never been this loud here. I have never seen Cyclone and Hawkeye fans agree on anything. He has my vote now. Trump is obviously a uniter.”
As the crowd began to disperse, chants of “Trump, Trump, Trump” rang through the parking lot.
Bill Hayes, a converted Trump supporter, summed up the entire event. “Trump is a straight shooter and tells it like it is. What other candidate would come here and say the truth about Iowans.”