At a news conference today in Manhattan, Governor Cuomo announced that many New Yorkers are suffering from a mysterious virus.
Health practitioners are perplexed by the sudden onset and the Center for Disease Control is now investigating the situation.
Thomas Friedan, Director of the CDC explained, “All we know is that hundreds of thousand of New Yorkers began to feel symptoms early Tuesday morning. Symptoms include headaches, vertigo and then severe confusion.”
Howard Zucker, Director of the New York Health Commission added, “Many reported feeling ill as soon as they entered polling stations.”
Zucker continued, “What is odd is that only Republicans were exposed to the virus and of those only 60.4% developed symptoms.”
Bill Jenson, a financial planner from Schenectady said, “As soon as I walked into my polling center I began to feel all weird and when I was in the booth filling out my ballot, I almost passed out.”
When a reporter asked Jenson who he had voted for, he responded, “I went in intending to vote for either Kasich or Cruz but for some reason I think I circled in Trump.”
Political pundits from both parties agree that the virus is the only plausible explanation for 524,932 New Yorkers voting for Trump.
A CDC official also reported something he had never seen before. “Tens of thousands of voters were actually asking to be infected with the virus.” As it turns out, all of them were registered Independents and all requests were turned down.
New York election officials defended this policy. “Our rules are quite clear. New York is a closed primary, so only registered Republicans were allowed exposure.”
Ted Cruz asked election officials for a re-do of the primary but then rescinded the request when the CDC informed him that a Cruz-like strain of the virus was found in Wisconsin, Texas and Iowa.