News Flash: Hillary Quits Race To Become A Bartender

Fresh off rave reviews for her role as “Val the Bartender” on NBC’s Saturday Night Live, Hillary Clinton announced today that she is quitting politics and taking a job at Buffalo Wild Wings.

Sources say that Clinton has officially changed her legal name to Val and has accepted a late night bartending position at the company’s Newington New Hampshire location.

Asked why this sudden change in plans, a senior Clinton official explained, “We were having zero luck getting Hillary liked as a Presidential candidate, but as a bartender her numbers are off the charts. This left us no other choice.”

At a press conference, Scott Lowery, Buffalo Wild Wings Founder said, “We are very pleased to have Val Clinton as  a member of the Wild Wings family.” Asked if he had any concerns, Lowery replied,  “I made it clear to Val that she must abide by all employee policies, including proper use of her Wild Wings email account.  We simply can not let Applebees get hold of our state secrets- such as our Jammin Jalapeño chicken wing recipe.”

This latest development is creating quite a stir amongst the other presidential candidates.

Donald Trump announced that he and Carl Icahn are short-selling Buffalo Wild Wings stock. Trump explained, “Come on people, would you ever buy a drink from someone with that face?”  He continued, “The only thing stupider would be for Hooters to hire Carly Fiorina.”

Asked to comment, Joe Biden said “The Clinton machine is at work again but this time I am not falling for it.” Biden continued, “I will show Val that two can play this game. Starting tomorrow I will be working the morning shift at Aunt Annie’s in downtown Scranton.”

Democratic candidate Jim Webb was ecstatic. “As of three days ago I was polling at 0.6% but now that I have changed my name to Hillary I am running neck and neck with Bernie Sanders.”