At a joint press conference this morning in Milwaukee, Sports Illustrated and Donald Trump announced plans to create a special edition "candidates' wives" swimsuit issue. Said Trump, “As you all know, I cherish women and this is just another way for me to prove it." Sports Illustrated's editor, Paul Fichtenbaun, was happy and relieved. “We sell 600,000 copies of our magazine a year but 599,000 of them are the swimsuit issue.” He continued, “We have tried selling everything else- from Steph Curry’s amazing year to the top 10 racist sports team owners." "But … [Read more...]
News Flash: Hillary Clinton Furious Over Romney Speech
At a fundraiser today in Miami, Hillary Clinton angrily condemned Mitt Romney for his comments about Donald Trump. Said Clinton, "I am furious at Mitt. I begged him to make a similar speech about me but he refused." A Clinton spokesman said, "We haven't given up hope. If we can only get Mitt to completely diss Hillary, then she can start measuring the drapes at the White House." In Portland, Maine, a smiling Donald Trump told a raucous crowd, "Tough luck Hillary, you just don't have what it takes to get a Romney insult." Trump continued, "I am going to send Mitt … [Read more...]
News Flash: Donald Launches New “Trump Phone” Business
At a joint press conference today in Atlanta, Donald Trump and Samsung announced that they have teamed up to launch a new line of cell phones. The initial model is named The Klan and will only come in white. A cheerful Mr. Trump said, "Black was simply out of the question. If you like that color, talk to Hillary." Samsung President, Oh-Yung Kwon, commented, "Given his success with Trump Steaks, Trump University, Trump Mortgage and Trump Casinos we are very excited to partner with Donald on this venture." When Trump was asked about the features on the new phone, he … [Read more...]
News Flash: Hillary Clinton Diagnosed With Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD)
At a press conference today in Derry, New Hampshire, Hillary Clinton announced that doctors have diagnosed her with MPD- Multiple Personality Disorder. According to the Center For Disease Controls, MPD is a condition that is characterized by the appearance of at least two distinct and relatively enduring identities or dissociated personality states. A Clinton operative commented, “Over the last few months it just got to the point where we needed an intervention.” He continued, “Doctors ran a battery of tests including watching videos of all her campaign events and … [Read more...]
News Flash: GOP Nomination To Be Decided By Steel Cage Death Match
At a press conference this morning in Des Moines, Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus announced that the process for choosing the GOP nominee has been changed. Said Priebus, "We are canceling all of the primaries and this will all be decided at tomorrow night's steel cage elimination match." Sources say the match will follow all rules of the World Wide Wrestling Federation. He explained, "Last night was a circus. I am tired of all of this bickering between the candidates. Plus, Iowa has run out of peanuts" Priebus added, "And Donald, if … [Read more...]