At a joint press conference this morning in Milwaukee, Sports Illustrated and Donald Trump announced plans to create a special edition "candidates' wives" swimsuit issue. Said Trump, “As you all know, I cherish women and this is just another way for me to prove it." Sports Illustrated's editor, Paul Fichtenbaun, was happy and relieved. “We sell 600,000 copies of our magazine a year but 599,000 of them are the swimsuit issue.” He continued, “We have tried selling everything else- from Steph Curry’s amazing year to the top 10 racist sports team owners." "But … [Read more...]
News Flash: Republicans In Pitched Battle For “Poorly Educated” Vote.
Exit polls from the Nevada caucus show that the highly coveted "Poorly Educated" vote is the key to victory in the race for the Republican nominee. Nate Silver of political analysis site 538.com explains, "The number of poorly educated Republican voters has grown from 18% to 45% over the last five years." He continued, "Trump has a commanding lead with this group but nothing is guaranteed." "For example, Trump claims that even if he murdered someone, the poorly educated would vote for him. Our data suggests only 72% of them would." Tea-Party leaders are scratching … [Read more...]
News Flash: Carolina First-Graders Perform Republican Debate
Yesterday afternoon in Spartanburg, South Carolina, the Pine Street Elementary School first grade class performed a reenactment of Saturday night's debate. A video of the event has gone viral. Linda Powell, the school's art teacher, said, "We are so pleased that our rendition of Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire has been watched over three million times." Jenny Reston, the school psychologist added, "This was fantastic, particularly as it gave some of our more troubled children a chance to shine." "For example, Billy Turner, the most unpopular kid in the grade, played Ted … [Read more...]
News Flash: Trump Will Deport Iowa to Canada If Elected President.
At a campaign event in Manchester, New Hampshire, Donald Trump announced that, if elected, he plans to deport the entire Hawkeye State. Said Trump, "As I have said a number of times, "How stupid are the people of Iowa." He continued, "Well last night we found out. What a bunch of morons." He went on. "They are terrible people. I plan on moving the whole state north of the border." A Trump spokesman said, "The only explanation we can come up with for last night's result is that these Iowa rednecks thought they were voting for the Prime Minister of Canada." In a … [Read more...]
News Flash: Trump To Hold Massive Rally Today in Calgary
At a press conference last night in front of Ted Cruz's childhood home in Calgary, Donald Trump said he has changed his mind yet again and now plans to hold a rally later today in Canada's third largest city. Said Trump, "Look folks, it is time to take Ted on in his home turf and I definitely plan to go after his Canadian values." When asked by a reporter what he means by Canadian values, Trump responded, "I think everyone knows what they are." When pressed, Trump said, "He is pro-Molson Ale, cold weather and Olympic curling. Everything that … [Read more...]