Roger Scott, Newsweek's Guyanese Bureau Chief, reported today that a Boeing 757 full of senior GOP officials had landed at Jagan International Airport. The passengers then transferred to a 2PM bus to Jonestown. Jonestown is the infamous site of the 1978 mass suicide where 900 Americans took their lives. Mr. Scott said, "Over 100 passengers were on the plane, including, Senators, Congressman, failed Presidential candidates as well as Fox News Executives." Scott continued, "Romney was clearly in charge and just like one of those Japanese tour guide leaders, Mitt … [Read more...]
News Flash: Trump Has Terrible Premonition- Drops Out Of Race
In a stunning development this morning, Melania Trump announced that her husband is dropping out of the presidential race. When asked why, a clearly shaken Mrs. Trump said, “Donald had such a terrible dream last night that it has made him reconsider whether he wants to become President.” Mrs. Trump went on to explain. “Donald dreamt that it was our first night in the Trump House- our name for the newly gold-plated White House." "After putting up his hair and getting into our triple king-size bed, he started tossing and turning- becoming very anxious about being the … [Read more...]
News Flash: Trump Launches Home Shopping Network.
Earlier this morning, Donald Trump announced that he will be starting a new TV shopping business. Mr. Trump commented, "Look people, this is a tremendous idea. I will sell so much merchandise it is going to make your head spin." Trump continued, "Last week, at my Michigan primary victory speech, I sold 2,000 pounds of Trump steaks, 10,000 cases of Trump water and 85 new memberships to my beautiful golf club." "Trump University also did absolutely fabulous, even with the Chinese." A spokesman for Trump University confirmed this, saying, "Every single Chinese … [Read more...]
News Flash: Hillary Clinton Furious Over Romney Speech
At a fundraiser today in Miami, Hillary Clinton angrily condemned Mitt Romney for his comments about Donald Trump. Said Clinton, "I am furious at Mitt. I begged him to make a similar speech about me but he refused." A Clinton spokesman said, "We haven't given up hope. If we can only get Mitt to completely diss Hillary, then she can start measuring the drapes at the White House." In Portland, Maine, a smiling Donald Trump told a raucous crowd, "Tough luck Hillary, you just don't have what it takes to get a Romney insult." Trump continued, "I am going to send Mitt … [Read more...]
News Flash: Republicans In Pitched Battle For “Poorly Educated” Vote.
Exit polls from the Nevada caucus show that the highly coveted "Poorly Educated" vote is the key to victory in the race for the Republican nominee. Nate Silver of political analysis site 538.com explains, "The number of poorly educated Republican voters has grown from 18% to 45% over the last five years." He continued, "Trump has a commanding lead with this group but nothing is guaranteed." "For example, Trump claims that even if he murdered someone, the poorly educated would vote for him. Our data suggests only 72% of them would." Tea-Party leaders are scratching … [Read more...]