Earlier this morning, Donald Trump announced that he will be starting a new TV shopping business. Mr. Trump commented, "Look people, this is a tremendous idea. I will sell so much merchandise it is going to make your head spin." Trump continued, "Last week, at my Michigan primary victory speech, I sold 2,000 pounds of Trump steaks, 10,000 cases of Trump water and 85 new memberships to my beautiful golf club." "Trump University also did absolutely fabulous, even with the Chinese." A spokesman for Trump University confirmed this, saying, "Every single Chinese … [Read more...]
News Flash: Hillary Clinton Furious Over Romney Speech
At a fundraiser today in Miami, Hillary Clinton angrily condemned Mitt Romney for his comments about Donald Trump. Said Clinton, "I am furious at Mitt. I begged him to make a similar speech about me but he refused." A Clinton spokesman said, "We haven't given up hope. If we can only get Mitt to completely diss Hillary, then she can start measuring the drapes at the White House." In Portland, Maine, a smiling Donald Trump told a raucous crowd, "Tough luck Hillary, you just don't have what it takes to get a Romney insult." Trump continued, "I am going to send Mitt … [Read more...]
News Flash: Donald Launches New “Trump Phone” Business
At a joint press conference today in Atlanta, Donald Trump and Samsung announced that they have teamed up to launch a new line of cell phones. The initial model is named The Klan and will only come in white. A cheerful Mr. Trump said, "Black was simply out of the question. If you like that color, talk to Hillary." Samsung President, Oh-Yung Kwon, commented, "Given his success with Trump Steaks, Trump University, Trump Mortgage and Trump Casinos we are very excited to partner with Donald on this venture." When Trump was asked about the features on the new phone, he … [Read more...]
News Flash: Republicans In Pitched Battle For “Poorly Educated” Vote.
Exit polls from the Nevada caucus show that the highly coveted "Poorly Educated" vote is the key to victory in the race for the Republican nominee. Nate Silver of political analysis site 538.com explains, "The number of poorly educated Republican voters has grown from 18% to 45% over the last five years." He continued, "Trump has a commanding lead with this group but nothing is guaranteed." "For example, Trump claims that even if he murdered someone, the poorly educated would vote for him. Our data suggests only 72% of them would." Tea-Party leaders are scratching … [Read more...]
Breaking News: The Pope In South Carolina, Will Debate Trump
In breaking news, Pope Francis has cancelled the remainder of his Mexico trip and is now in South Carolina to debate Donald Trump. This comes after a sparring match between the two earlier today when The Pontiff said that Mr. Trump "is not Christian." Trump fired back, calling the Pope's comments "disgraceful." Upon hearing the news of The Pope's arrival, Mr. Trump said, "People, when I am President, no one, not even a religious leader will be able to fly here from Mexico unless it is through the beautiful door in my wall." Trump continued, "I have been in touch … [Read more...]