At a press conference last night in front of Ted Cruz’s childhood home in Calgary, Donald Trump said he has changed his mind yet again and now plans to hold a rally later today in Canada’s third largest city.
Said Trump, “Look folks, it is time to take Ted on in his home turf and I definitely plan to go after his Canadian values.”
When asked by a reporter what he means by Canadian values, Trump responded, “I think everyone knows what they are.” When pressed, Trump said, “He is pro-Molson Ale, cold weather and Olympic curling. Everything that Evangelicals despise.”
Naheed Nenshi, the Mayor of Calgary took issue with Trump’s accusation that Mr. Cruz is Canadian. “No Canadian is that big of an asshole.”
Mr. Nenshi is the first Muslim ever elected as Mayor of a large Canadian city.
When asked to comment on Mr. Nenshi’s statement, Donald Trump said, “I cherish Muslim Mayors, so I may not deport him until next week.”
A Cruz spokesman responded, “Our candidate is willing to debate Donald Trump anytime and anywhere. If Trump wants to do it in Canada, Ted’s mom will pull out his old Canadian Mountie outfit and they can have at it.”
Fox News CEO, Roger Ailes, is rumored to be reeling from Trump’s decision to not appear at tonight’s debate.
Said a Fox News executive, “GoDaddy’s CEO just called Roger, extremely concerned about what might happen to the ratings from Fox’s core- 45-year-old white man, have no job, I vote against my economic interests- demographic.”
When asked what she thought of the Trump-Kelly situation, Sarah Palin said, “I heard Megyn is thinking of going to Calgary to cover the event, which is weird. She doesn’t even speak Canadian.”