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Democrats Rally Behind Black Labrador

In the wake of President Biden’s poor performance last night, Democrats are coalescing around a black Labrador named Coffee as their alternate candidate.

Said one Democratic Operative, “Last night was an unmitigated disaster and the stakes are too high to make another bad choice.”

Lots of names have been circulating as Biden alternatives but many of them don’t stack up well in head- to-head polling versus Trump.

Jake Terry, President of Election Metrics told us, “Harris loses, Whitmer loses, Newsom is too close to call- particularly as he only has a forty percent approval rating in California.”

Terry continued, “But there seems to be an out of the box candidate who beats Trump handily. His name is Coffee, a black Labrador military service dog from Michigan.”

The Chief of Staff for a senior Republican Senator told us, “The Democrats have found Trump’s Kryptonite. Our internal polls show that Coffee mauls Trump on all issues and demographics.”

An anonymous source in the Trump campaign agrees, “Coffee has everything. He is charismatic, has a strong military background, wins the black vote and will not foam at the mouth during a debate.”

We asked a senior campaign spokesman about Trump’s reaction to his new opponent. “I have to be honest; the President is upset. He knows Coffee is handsome, well behaved and has a 100% rating on protecting borders. And when unleashed, Coffee will be a huge hit on the campaign trail.”

He continued, “However, Coffee does have three weaknesses we plan to exploit. First, on policy issues, he is all bark and no bite, and second, we have serious questions about Coffee’s age and lineage- so we demand that he release his birth certificate.”

We asked the Spokesman about Coffee’s third weakness, “Oh yeah, little paws.”

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