Moments ago, in the post-debate “Spin Room,” Donald Trump declared himself tonight’s big winner.
Said Trump, “Look folks, every online poll says I schlonged Hillary big time.”
When asked which polls he was referring to, Trump began listing them, “I kicked Crooked Hillary’s ass in thousands of them. Everything from The Daily White Supremacist to The Moscow Times to Deplorable.com.”
He continued, “Hell, we even won the Mar-A-Lago Weekly Clubhouse Update although, to be fair, we didn’t allow Latino employees or the fat women members participate.”
Deborah Goodman, a reporter from Washington University’s daily student newspaper, asked Mr. Trump which poll he was most proud of winning.
Trump got out a tic-tac and said, “Hands down, Penthouse.com”
He continued, “And Debbie do you need some new furniture for your dorm room.”
The few senior republican officials we could find admitted that the online polls being touted by Trump are suspect at best.
Reached in Denton, North Carolina, senior Republican pollster, Frank Luntz, commented, “Perhaps more troubling for Trump, is that even these bogus polls show some very disturbing trends for him.”
Luntz continued, “For example, Trump’s lead amongst white nationalist married women in key swing states is slipping.”
Annamae Lynn agreed. “My husband calls me the C word, has a survival shelter loaded with assault rifles and goes around with his buddies burning crosses at night.”
She continued, “But I would rather give him the nuclear codes.”
In a city that will now be known as Orlando Beach, Florida, one influential Republican did come to Trump’s defense tonight.
Standing in three feet of ocean water in front of Disney World’s famous “it’s a small world” ride, Sean Hannity shouted through the 140 mile per hour wind gusts,
“Saying Trump didn’t win the debate is the biggest liberal hoax since claiming that we have a climate change issue.”