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News Flash: Cold Weather Makes Marco Rubio Malfunction

Last night, outside of a frigid polling station in Nashua New Hampshire, Marco Rubio began to malfunction, before finally breaking down completely.

Dottie Roy, a waitress from Milford, said, “I was outside waiting in a long line when Rubio arrives and starts shaking hands with the crowd.”

Ms. Roy continued, “When I asked Marco how he liked the New Hampshire weather, he responded, “This President is undertaking a systematic effort to redefine the role of government in our country.”

Others reported having a similar experience.  Joe Moore, a construction worker from Pelham said, “I was de-icing my windshield when Rubio came up and put his arm around me.”

Moore continued, “I asked him if he had tasted our famous clam chowder.  Marco told me, “Obama is literally trying to change America.”

“Then his arms started to jerk up and down and he began to make a giant squeaking sound.”

An ambulance showed up and took Mr. Rubio to a local hospital.  Frank Lynch, one of the paramedics at the scene said, “Rubio seemed unresponsive.”

Lynch continued. “When I asked him if he could hear anything, Marco whispered, “The President is undertaking a systematic…” before losing consciousness and making a strange clanking sound.”

As to what happened, a clearly angry Rubio spokesman said, “I called Shanghai and told Li Rui Feng that we are going to sue his ass.”  The spokesman continued, “They guaranteed that Marco would function in temperatures down to 10 degrees.”

Feng, the CEO of the Chinese Robot manufacturer HIT, responded, “It is not my fault that the Cubans didn’t follow the maintenance instructions.”

He continued, “I watched his malfunction start at the debate and it was clear then that all he needed was an injection of WD-40.”

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