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News Flash: Bernie Sanders To Ban “1%” From Returning To America

 

Bernie-Sanders-on-billionaires

At a press conference today in Burlington, Vermont, Bernie Sanders announced that all American billionaires on overseas Christmas vacations will be banned from returning to US soil.

Said Sanders, “I think it is outrageous that the top 1% of Americans have over 95% of the wealth.”  He continued, “This is financial terrorism and if these people refuse to redistribute their money, they will not be allowed back home.”

The news caused shock waves from Anguilla to Zermatt.

The private chef of a New York hedge fund titan vacationing in Barbados said, “My boss is going absolutely crazy here.  He doesn’t know if he can survive another two weeks in the cramped conditions on his 150 foot yacht.”

In St. Barths, a 25-year-old Silicon Valley billionaire threw a temper tantrum, saying, “Sanders is an idiot. Doesn’t he know that I absolutely must get back in time to hang with Redford at the Sundance Festival.”

Cornelia Addison, the wife of a wealthy Connecticut tech investor said, “This is a disaster.  We just heard from Yale admissions, and they said that if the new student center we funded isn’t built by February, our son Crawford II will not be admitted.”

She continued, “God forbid if little Craw has to rely on merit alone. It will be mortifying having to drive my range rover around Greenwich with a UConn bumper sticker on it.”

While Ted Cruz thinks the ban is ludicrous, he does feel that the billionaires could be more patriotic. “They should suck it up and ski at Vail.”

When pushed for more details, Sanders said, “I will make exceptions for those who do charity housebuilding or work a minimum wage job.”

Jeb Bush responded, “I can’t believe Sanders is that out of touch. Doesn’t he know that these guys don’t have the skills for these types of activities.”

 

 

 

 

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