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News Flash: Carson Received Wharton Scholarship

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In a surprising development, CNN reported today that while Doctor Ben Carson was not offered a full scholarship to the United States Military Academy, he was in fact offered a scholarship to Wharton.

Mr. Carson confirmed that he did receive an offer to attend the famous business school but turned it down. When asked why, Carson responded, “Wharton is full of pretentious New York City kids who are all members of the lucky sperm club.”

When asked to clarify, a senior Carson spokesman said,  “This is a term that Ben uses to describe entitled children who come from very wealthy families.”  The spokesman added, “The worst offenders are semi-intelligent bullies that have inherited large real-estate fortunes.”

Wharton did issue a statement confirming the Carson scholarship.

Mary Hulbert, Wharton’s former head of admissions was contacted.  She said, “Mr. Carson was a great fit for one of the twenty-seven minority slots available each year. He was poor, African-American and had been involved in stabbings.”

Hulbert went on, “If he were also transgender and part native American, I would have gotten a bonus and he would have been on the front cover of all of our promotional materials.”

In a related development, CNN requested that Wharton release Donald Trump’s academic records.  A spokesman for the university said, “We have no record of a Mr. Trump ever attending Wharton.”

Late this afternoon, Donald Trump tweeted that he agreed with Dr. Carson’s view of Wharton. “I actually did fabricate my attending school there. I just wanted to look smart.  My real  alma mater is the Universidad de Guadelajara where I got a dual degree in estudios de la mujer- women’s studies for you gringos- and Mexican literature.’

 

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