At a press conference this morning in Des Moines, Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus announced that the process for choosing the GOP nominee has been changed.
Said Priebus, “We are canceling all of the primaries and this will all be decided at tomorrow night’s steel cage elimination match.”
Sources say the match will follow all rules of the World Wide Wrestling Federation.
He explained, “Last night was a circus. I am tired of all of this bickering between the candidates. Plus, Iowa has run out of peanuts”
Priebus added, “And Donald, if you and that orange hairpiece don’t show up, then no nomination.”
Asked for specifics, Priebus explained, “The candidates will be dressed in wrestling gear and be put in a steel cage. Then, one-by-one, they are eliminated via pinfall or submission until only one remains.”
Sarah Palin is rumored to be the announcer for the event. A source said that this will only happen if Fox can find a translator.
At a campaign event, Donald “The Terminator” Trump commented, “I told Ailes that I refuse to get in a steel cage with Cruz or Fiorina, but if he builds a wall that’s another story.”
Political betting sites around the world are being inundated with web traffic.
Breon Corcoran, CEO of UK gambling site Betfair, commented, “We had to add two new IBM servers this morning just to handle all the Christie buy orders.
As for the Democratic side, the Clinton campaign says it wants this format for the general election.
Mrs. Clinton was seen at a gym earlier today with Hulk Hogan. Hogan commented, “Hillary has a new move called “The Benghazi.”
The Hulk explained. “A video camera will be used as a decoy and the Republican candidates will not know what happened until after the election.”