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News Flash: Goldman Sachs To Acquire Bernie Sanders

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Last night, in a stunning move, Lloyd Blankfein- Chief Executive Officer of Goldman Sachs- announced that his firm has acquired Bernie Sanders.

Asked for the reasoning behind this move, Mr. Blankfein said, “We just can’t allow someone with Sanders’ economic views to become President.”

Blankfein added, “In my humble opinion and once again, I had to do God’s work.”

A senior Goldman executive also commented. “Given that we already own Clinton, Trump, Cruz and Rubio, we had to protect ourselves against a Bernie Sanders win.”

Asked what happens if Sanders doesn’t win, a Goldman source said, “Didn’t you see The Big Short.  The derivatives team is already packaging tranches of Bernie into a AAA rated financial instrument.”

He continued, “We will then sell it at a huge profit to unsuspecting German pensions funds.”

Last night, Sanders flew into New York City on a Gulfstream 5 to make a major policy announcement at a black tie, $50,000 per plate fundraising dinner at the swanky Plaza Hotel.

Speaking to a group of Hedge Fund Managers, Sanders said, “I now believe that the only way to keep this country great is to have a zero tax rate for the top 1% and to make sure that the big banks get a lot bigger.”

Sanders denied that his ownership by Goldman had anything to do with this dramatic policy change. “Like other candidates, my positions have evolved.  Mine have just evolved real fast over the past 24 hours.”

In a related story, the Wall Street Journal reported that Mr. Sanders has acquired the 90th floor penthouse apartment at One57, Manhattan’s newest luxury tower, for $74 million.

Sanders confirmed the purchase. “Not bad for a Socialist.”

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