At a press conference today in Derry, New Hampshire, Hillary Clinton announced that doctors have diagnosed her with MPD- Multiple Personality Disorder.
According to the Center For Disease Controls, MPD is a condition that is characterized by the appearance of at least two distinct and relatively enduring identities or dissociated personality states.
A Clinton operative commented, “Over the last few months it just got to the point where we needed an intervention.”
He continued, “Doctors ran a battery of tests including watching videos of all her campaign events and congressional testimonies.”
The tests were performed at New York University Hospital, where a nurse told us, “This is completely off the record but after seeing her various answers on the email scandal, my 10-year-old son diagnosed her.”
Steven Hyman, Director of the National Institute Of Mental Health agreed with the child’s conclusion. Hyman said, “She is a text-book case.”
When asked why, he commented that, “MPD is always accompanied by memory impairment for important information not explained by ordinary forgetfulness.”
Hyman continued, “I plan to use the Benghazi hearings as a case study for my MPD workshop.”
When asked whether he thought Donald Trump might suffer from the same condition, Hyman was emphatic. “Absolutely not. Unfortunately Mr. Trump doesn’t have a second personality.”
Hyman continued, “We are however working on how to fix this.”
In Franconia, a smiling Mrs. Clinton told the crowd, “Which Hillary do you want to see, the progressive socialist or the evangelical conservative.”
She continued, “My doctor told me that I can be either one of them.”
Outside of the Stonehouse Bakery in Portsmouth, a clearly exasperated Bernie Sanders said, “I just got a message from the Clinton campaign demanding that two podiums be set up for her at our next debate.”