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News Flash: Hillary Clinton Named The Real Miss Universe



In yet another surprising development surrounding the Miss Universe pageant, Hillary Clinton was awarded the crown today leaving Miss Colombia, Miss Philippines and pageant fans everywhere stunned.

Paula Shugart, President of the Pageant, said, “On behalf of our entire organization, I wish to apologize, but I can think of no more worthy a winner than Mrs. Clinton.  She embodies all that the pageant stands for.”

Rumors swirled as to what caused all of the confusion.

A senior Miss Universe insider, did comment off the record. “It seems that our pageant host, Steve Harvey, had a number of the finalists’ hotel room card keys in his pocket.” He continued, “The slow motion video footage shows Harvey then reaching into the wrong pocket when making the official announcements.”

Hillary Clinton was ecstatic. “As I have been saying, “Every child deserves the chance to live up to his or her God-given potential.” She continued, “Who knew being a pageant queen was my calling.”

Nina Garcia, a pageant telecast judge, was asked why Mrs. Clinton did so well.  “As you know, two of the main categories are  evening gown and swimsuit.” Garcia continued, “We loved the fact that Clinton was so creative.  We didn’t realize that the same brown pant suit could be so versatile.”

Garcia added, “There was no talent competition category this year and I think this helped Clinton a lot.”

Donald Trump, the previous owner of the pageant, just issued a short press release, saying, “If I still owned it, there is no way Clinton or Florina would have been allowed anywhere near the building.” and, “I watched the whole show and it is clear Jeb Bush was the winner.”

In related news, Ted Cruz commented, “If elected President, on day one, I will bring Congress a bill that prohibits foreigners from participating in future Miss Universe pageants.”






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