In a shocking development today, Aumua Amata Coleman Radewagen, the congressional delegate from American Samoa was elected the nation’s 62nd Speaker of the House.
American Samoa is one of six US territories that elects delegates to Congress, however these delegates are not allowed to cast votes.
Upon hearing the news, Marco Rubio said, “As a fellow non-voting member of congress, I welcome Auma with open arms.”
CNN reported that thirty-two candidates received more votes than Mrs. Radewagen but that, one-by-one, they each decided to drop out of the running.
Thirty-one of these candidates issued statements claiming that their decision had “absolutely nothing to do with Congressman Jones’ letter regarding moral turpitude.” The other, a Tea Party candidate said, “I am checking with Bill Clinton’s office and Talmudic scholars about the narrowest definition of turpitude.”
Earlier this evening, reporters swarmed John Boehner as he came out of the South Beach Tanning Salon in Bethesda. Boehner, made the following statement, “Americans are clearly saying that they want an outsider, and who could be more of an outsider than someone from 7,004.6 miles away.” Boehner continued, “I actually searched Kayak.com this morning and did you know that it takes over 25 hours and three stops to fly from Pago Pago to Washington National.”
Asked to comment, Donald Trump said, “People, I have two words for Aumua: Birth Certificate.”
Newly elected Speaker Radewagen has been unreachable. Her Chief of Staff said that, “The new Speaker is somewhere in Samoa but we haven’t heard from her in months” and, “She will sure be surprised when she hears the great news.”
In related news, World Wrestling Federation CEO Vince McMahon announced today that Sika and Afa Anoa, better known as The Wild Samoans, will be coming out of retirement.