After a two hour private meeting this morning at New York’s Waldorf Astoria hotel, Hillary Clinton and Pope Francis held a joint press conference.
At first, it was clear that they hit it off. “Their chemistry was fantastic and they definitely agreed on important issues such as climate change, the death penalty and opening our hearts to the Syrian refugees.” said Rebecca Drake of The Catholic Observer.
As the press conference came to a close, things took a turn for the worse when, from below his podium, Pope Francis took out a gift box and presented it to Mrs. Clinton. “The box was absolutely beautiful. He even wrapped it in paper adorned with the vatican crest.” said Barbara Johnston, a parishioner from Cherry Hill New Jersey. Mrs. Clinton looked upset as she opened and then awkwardly held up the gift. Johnston continued, “It was a gleaming white dress, an exact replica of what Pope Francis was wearing.”
Seeing Mrs. Clinton’s reaction, the pope came across the stage, took her hand and said, “Usted utilice siempre trajes de pantalón así que pensamos que le gustaría un vestido blanco como el mío.” The translator looked reticent to tell Mrs. Clinton what The Pontiff had said. “Out with it, I want to know the exact translation.” said Mrs. Clinton. Mrs. Clinton turned red as she heard the translation; “You always wear those pantsuits so I thought you would like a dress just like mine.” Gasps were heard around the room as Mrs. Clinton walked off stage. The Pope, clearly distressed, looked at Cardinal Dolan and said “Usted me dijo que lleva talla diez. Tengo la talla incorrecto? Odio cuando hago esto.” Dolan, asked for the translation. The now shaken translator obliged. “You told me she was an eight, did I get the wrong size? I hate when I do that.”
Minutes later, Mrs. Clinton stormed back on stage carrying what looked to be a TJ Max bag. “In all my years of reporting I have never seen anything remotely like this” said Hugo Alconada of Argentina’s La Nation newspaper. Mrs. Clinton went up to the Pope, pointed a finger at him and exclaimed, “With all due respect Your Holiness, I find it disappointing that in this day and age, powerful men still feel the need to comment on what a woman wears.” She continued “And at least I am not wearing a dress.”
Mrs. Clinton then reached into her bag and presented the pope with one of her signature aqua colored pant suits. “Your Holiness, let me give you some advice. You can wear whatever you like in New York City or San Francisco but if you want to appeal to America’s heartland you have got to be the one wearing the pants.”
A senior spokesman for the Clinton campaign was ecstatic. “For weeks now, Hillary has been working with focus groups on a well rehearsed spontaneity plan and while her comments today were completely off script, she certainly showed that Donald Trump does not have a monopoly on insulting important people.”
Bill Clinton refused to comment, except saying “While white dresses are fine, I definitely prefer blue.”