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News Flash: Republicans Seen Arriving In Jonestown Guyana

Roger Scott, Newsweek’s Guyanese Bureau Chief, reported today that a Boeing 757 full of senior GOP officials had landed at Jagan International Airport. The passengers then transferred to a 2PM bus to Jonestown.

Jonestown is the infamous site of the 1978 mass suicide where 900 Americans took their lives.

Mr. Scott said, “Over 100 passengers were on the plane, including, Senators, Congressman, failed Presidential candidates as well as Fox News Executives.”

Scott continued, “Romney was clearly in charge and just like one of those Japanese tour guide leaders, Mitt was at the front of the pack waving a big white flag.”

Ranuel Duffie, a Guyanese bus driver, confirmed some of the details. “I did take them to Jonestown.  Everyone got along great except this one guy named Ted. Halfway there, all the others covered him in alligator bait and threw him into a swamp.”

Duffie also confirmed that each passenger was carrying a small vial of liquid.  When asked what was written on the labels, Duffie said, “My english isn’t great but I think it said Trump cyanide.”

Reporters who tried to reach RNC Chairman Reince Priebus’ office got put through to an ominous voicemail, which said, “All RNC employees are out of the country and not likely to ever return.”

The voicemail continued,  “Press 1 if you would like directions to Jonestown, press 2 if you would like to de-register as a Republican or press 3 if you would like to order cases of Trump vodka or wine.

Of the 16 former Republican candidates, only John Kasich could be reached.

MSNBC reporter, Ron Bratten spotted the Ohio Governor at a Taco Bell in Albuquerque. “I asked John what his plans were going forward, and 8 minutes went by before he answered.”

Added Taco Bell Manager, Juan Gonzalez, “That’s because Kasich had stuffed an entire Quesalupa Breakfast Combo in his mouth and it took him that long to swallow it.”

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