At a surprise joint press conference today in Key West, Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin announced that they plan to marry tomorrow in this liberal Florida resort town.
The ceremony will be private. It will be followed by a flamboyant celebration at Trump’s Mar a Largo estate in Palm Beach.
Asked when they began dating, Putin said “It is an incredible coincidence. We both went out on Ashley Madison at the same time and our bios and interests were a perfect match.”
Trump agreed, “We both said that we were looking for a man who is macho and loves to badger journalists, minorities and political opponents.” He continued, “Also, Vlad wanted someone with nice hair.”
When asked how this will impact his Presidential chances, Trump said, “People, my base will continue to love me. This only proves that while I think gays are terrible people, I cherish one.”
Putin was asked why Key West was chosen as the ceremony’s locale. He responded, “I wanted to get married in Kentucky, shirtless and on a horse, but that crazy woman down there refused to give us a marriage license.”
Kim Davis, the Kentucky marriage clerk involved, could not be reached for comment. A Kentucky state official did say however that Ms. Davis is being transferred to Siberia.
Rumors were flying as to where the two leaders will be honeymooning. A source with close ties to the Trump campaign said, “While plans are still being finalized it looks to be a two-week grand tour of Syria and the Ukraine.”
Reaction to the marriage bombshell was swift, particularly amongst Mr. Trump’s political rivals.
At a campaign event in Charleston, South Carolina, Hillary Clinton was asked if she would be attending the nuptials. Said Clinton,”Unfortunately yes. The deal I made with Donald back in 2006 was that if he donated one hundred thousand dollars to my Senate campaign, I would have to attend his next three weddings.”
Upon hearing the news, Lindsay Graham was clearly upset. Said Graham, “I am single so I was on eHarmony but from what I hear Vlad is quite the impaler.”
On a related note, Melania Trump and Putin’s long time girlfriend, Alina Kabaeva issued a joint statement saying, “This is the happiest day we have had in years.”