At a joint press conference this morning in Milwaukee, Sports Illustrated and Donald Trump announced plans to create a special edition “candidates’ wives” swimsuit issue.
Said Trump, “As you all know, I cherish women and this is just another way for me to prove it.”
Sports Illustrated’s editor, Paul Fichtenbaun, was happy and relieved. “We sell 600,000 copies of our magazine a year but 599,000 of them are the swimsuit issue.”
He continued, “We have tried selling everything else- from Steph Curry’s amazing year to the top 10 racist sports team owners.”
“But the numbers clearly show that America’s favorite sport is looking at women in swimsuits.”
When Trump was asked how he got the candidates’ wives to participate, he responded, “I sent my campaign manager over to twist a few arms and believe me, everything is all set.”
As for the upcoming shoot, Trump said, “Heidi Cruz will be photographed in the Goldman Sachs loan department wearing her “spill the beans” bikini.”
A source did tell us that Mr. Trump and Karen Kasich got into a heated argument over what she would be wearing. Said the source, “Karen was insistent on wearing a two piece but Trump told her that the number of swimsuit pieces allowed is limited to the number of primaries a husband has won.”
Trump suggested that he will also be using this project as an opportunity to extend a fig leaf to the Muslim community.
Said Trump, “So as not to piss off the Syrians or the SI readers, Carly Fiorina and Hillary Clinton will be covered from head to toe in Burkhas.”
Trump concluded, “And folks, the pictures of Melania are tremendous. They should give a huge bump up to my supporters’ polls.”