At a press conference outside the Al-Tawheed Islamic Center in Jersey City, Donald Trump just announced that he was hosting a Thanksgiving dinner at the popular Mosque.
Said Trump, “There are thousands of people in there cheering for me. It is absolutely incredible.”
Trump went on to explain that teaching “these people” about Thanksgiving is both a way to help them fit in and a warning on how tough America can be.
“I told them that this is a classic American holiday. We came here, gave a few Indians some corn and then deported them.”
Asked if it was fair to take large swaths of land away from the Native Americans, Trump said, “Look people, I know deals and this was hands down the greatest real-estate deal of all time. My distant relative, Jeremiah Trump was definitely part of taking Nebraska.”
When asked how many guests were attending the holiday celebration, a campaign spokesman replied, “We have 2,142 Muslims registered and identified.” He continued, “And by the time Donald says the Thanksgiving blessing, every single profile will be uploaded into our national Islamic data-base.”
Abu Sumya Matahir, the head of religious events at the Mosque was disappointed with Trump’s meal choice and post-feast entertainment. Said Matahir, “Some of us are interested in assimilating but having a full bar, serving us pork instead of turkey and running a casino night after dessert is a bit much.”
Samaira Huq, the head of the Mosque’s event committee agreed. “I had to finally put my foot down and say no to Trump’s construction people who were on top of the minaret and building a water flume ride.”
Trump later responded, “These people are so difficult to understand. I was just trying to have some fun with a bit of wood and some water. Is that so bad?”
In other news, the turkey at Ben Carson’s house remains unsliced. Said one of the guests, “Ben tried to stab it but the knife broke.”