Donald Trump announced today that he will be constructing four new luxury condos in Syria and Iraq.
They will be built in Damascus, Tikrit, Mosul and Palmyra.
When asked why he chose to build in the heart of the war-torn Middle East, Trump replied, “Muslims are terrible people but I love them, particularly as they have bought a tremendous number of my apartments in New York and Florida.”
Trump continued, “And now that I will not be allowing these people back on American soil I thought they should at least be given the opportunity to live in a place with things like plumbing and electricity.”
Asked how this will help achieve his goal of keeping muslims out of America, Trump responded, “Look folks, I am a great businessman and great business requires an alignment of incentives.”
Trump continued, “Half of these morons see the ultimate dream as living in a Trump building. The other half dream of blowing my buildings sky-high. Both of these groups can now save on air fare and pursue their dreams right at home.”
Joey Dimartino, Trumps’s head of marketing, was asked if the building design will be altered to suit local tastes. “Of course. For example, at the Trump Tikrit there will be a Caliphate Kids Club, a 72 Virgins Spa and a Hard-Raq Cafe.”
Questioned on how he plans to profitably exit this risky real-estate investment, Trump said, “Easy. As soon as I catch Abu Bakr al-Baghdad, I will make him get $2.6 billion in oil money, then point a gun to his head and in Bruce Willis Die Hard fashion tell him “I-SIL, you buy mother fuc#er.”