At a news conference this morning at the Cafe in The Trump Feo Oro Hotel in Rio, Mr. Trump announced that he had won three Olympic gold medals.
The Olympic committee has yet to confirm his claim.
Said Trump, “First of all folks, my restaurant here has the best Brazilian food ever. It may even be more tremendous than the Mexican food at my place in New York.”
Reporters asked Trump which events he was victorious in. Donald responded, “The one I won big league was the shooting competition.”
He continued, “I wanted to test my theory that If I shoot people, I’d get more votes. Hopefully taking down a few Latinos gives me a few bonus points.”
When asked about the Olympic situation, Paul Manafort said that he was surprised at being fired.
“I had a lot to do with Trump winning the gold medal in diving.”
“We practiced every day since the convention and the results certainly have paid off. In thirty days Donald has lost eighteen points to Hillary in the battleground states. Now if that isn’t a perfect dive I don’t know what is.”
When Trump was asked which victory he was most proud of, he said, “Easy. My result in fencing was absolutely tremendous.”
Trump continued, “With the fence I had the Guatemalan team build for me, there is absolutely no way even the top Mexican pole-vaulter will be able to get over it.”
On a separate note, the US basketball team mysteriously forfeited today and gave their gold medals to the Iranian squad.
The handover coincidentally occurred at exactly the same time a US plane landed in Teheran carrying $400 million in unmarked dollar bills.