In a shocking development today, Kellyanne Conway, Donald Trump’s campaign manager, sent a note to Fox News announcing that she had kidnapped Mr.Trump and that he will be held captive until after election day.
Then, from an undisclosed location, Conway held a conference call with reporters, explaining her actions.
“After his performance at the debate, the war with Ms. Universe and the leaking of his taxes, I felt that this was the only option we had left to get Donald elected.”
Conway was asked how Trump was holding up in captivity. “His temperament is excellent, although the heavy dose of the Michael Jackson medication is certainly helping.”
Political pundits from both parties agreed Conway’s move was a brilliant one.
A jubilant RNC Chairman, Reince Priebus, commented, “This is the best way to bring the focus of the election back to the single biggest issue facing this country- Hillary Clinton’s emails.”
An obviously nervous Clinton advisor commented, “Hillary is pissed off. We had planned for every single scenario except this one. I mean how is she supposed to win this election without Trump.”
CNN executives are scrambling, as the ratings for next week’s debate are likely to plummet without Trump’s participation.
A CNN insider said, “Our most likely scenario is to have Hillary go from podium to podium passionately explaining both of her positions on important issues such as TPP, free college tuition and whether Sanders’ supporters are complete morons.”
Late this afternoon, Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson was contacted and asked whether he deserved to take Trump’s place at next week’s debate in St. Louis.
Johnson replied, “Where is St. Louis? If it is near Aleppo, I aint going?”