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Post-SCOTUS Ruling, Trump Shoots Supporters On Fifth Avenue

In a controversial six to three vote, The Supreme Court ruled yesterday that former President Trump has, in Justice Alito’s words, “immunity to do whatever the hell he wants.”

In the opening paragraph of his opinion, Justice Thomas wrote, “I strongly take offense to those who will say that my vote was influenced by my buddy Harlan buying my mother a vacation home on St. Barths last night.”

As to developments in New York City, Fifth avenue is closed between Forty-Second and Sixty-Eighth streets due to the shooting in front of Trump Tower.

At a press conference at the nearby Russian Embassy, a clearly giddy Donald Trump said, “Shooting my supporters is just another one of my campaign promises being kept.” He continued, “These weren’t just any supporters, I hit the entire alto section of the January 6th choir. Bing bang bing”

In his hospital room at Lenox Hill Hospital, a heavily bandaged Billy Ray Baker was asked whether he would continue to support Trump. Said Baker, “Of course I will. I feel truly blessed to have been shot by my President.” He continued, “However, my brother is inconsolable that he wasn’t equally blessed, and although it will not be the same, he is hopeful that Trump will shoot him in Palm Beach.”

From his prison cell in Danbury Connecticut, Steve Bannon issued a statement. “I am livid that the Supreme Court dragged its feet on this as Trump would definitely have kept a loaded Ak-47 in the oval office to aid his negotiations with Democrats, the DOJ and five-star Generals.”

Upon hearing the news, Melania Trump was pleased to learn from her attorneys that she too has immunity, and plans to bring a shotgun to her next rendevous with her husband, rumored to be sometime in 2026.

We also caught up with Dick and Liz Cheney at a shooting range in Laramie Wyoming and asked what they thought about the situation. With a big grin on his face, Dick responded, “We couldn’t be more excited to announce that Trump has accepted our invitation to come out here for a hunt with us.”

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