In yet another controversial Tweet, Donald Trump said yesterday that he is officially cancelling Christmas and Hanukkah.
When reached on the 16th hole at Mar-a-Lago, Trump said, “I just got my first intelligence briefing in a month along with Tiger Woods.”
“I told the CIA that I trust Tiger a lot and he can keep a secret, except from Swedish women.”
Trump continued, “The briefing said that the holidays being celebrated today definitely have a heavy Middle East connection.”
“Folks, there is absolutely no way I am going to allow this country to celebrate non-American holidays.”
“Also, I just spoke to Bannon. He told me that the guy Christians are worshiping has a Spanish first name.”
“I am furious at the FBI for not knowing much about him, just rumors that he met up with three guys in a safe-house and that he is armed with gold, frankincense and myrrh.”
“Trust me people. When we find him, he is going over that wall.”
Asked about the other holiday he is cancelling, Trump says that he is doing it for economic reasons.
“Secretary of State Rex Tillerson called in a panic at 6AM and told me to do an immediate about face on Israel.”
“He demanded I cancel this Jewish Holiday no-one knows how to spell.”
Asked about the situation, Tillerson responded, “My buddy Putin told me that those damn Jews can now make one gallon of oil last for eight days.”
He continued, “If this is confirmed, the Russian economy will collapse and my Mobil shares will be down 50 percent.”
A few minutes ago, while exiting The Rockettes dressing room, Trump was asked if there is any religion he thinks is worth following.”
“Yes. I just spoke to Mitt and he told me about his big-league U.S. manufactured religion.”
“It completely fits my values, particularly regarding multiple wives and its views on the blacks.”