Earlier today, in what was to be a highly staged press conference, Donald Trump finally apologized for blaming the counter-protestors for this past weekend’s Alt-Right terrorist attack.
Said Trump, “I made a mistake giving equal blame to the liberal protestors, I shouldn’t have done that.”
Trump’s chief of staff, John Kelly, along with four navy seals then stormed the stage to whisk the President away from reporters before he could say anything more.
As one of the seals was duct taping Trump’s mouth, the President wrestled himself free and on his knees began to speak.
“In looking at the facts and talking to some of my contacts in Alabama, I now blame Ms. Dorothy Bacon’s class from Buford Middle School in Charlottesville.”
He continued, “Ms. Bacon should never have taken those fourteen little black girls anywhere near the peaceful Neo-Nazi picnic party.”
“I mean she didn’t even get a permit.”
Trump continued, “From what I hear, one of the students asked David Duke what type of flag he was waving.”
“This is incredibly inflammatory, as every red-blooded American knows a Nazi flag when they see one.”
“I mean my dad had one hanging in our dining room.”
“And just for the record, I don’t even know who David Duke is, but I hear he is not a bad guy.”
Amidst the mayhem, chief of staff Kelly ran out on stage and shot an animal tranquilizer dart into Trump’s neck.”
The President then began screaming, “I disavow, I disavow, I disavow and I condemn, I condemn and I condemn.”
When asked by a reporter, what he was disavowing and condemning, Trump said, “Whoever and whatever you want me to.”
In related news, Steve Bannon just issued a one sentence resignation statement, saying, “Mission accomplished.”