While crisscrossing the country this weekend on his “Thank You” tour, Donald Trump promised to bring back thousands of jobs, even in industries that don’t exist anymore.
Trump started at a rally in Wheeling, West Virginia. “Folks, preventing air conditioner jobs from moving to Mexico was an easy win for me- even Sanders could have paid those guys off.”
“My first big win will be here- getting every single coal mine re-opened in 60 days. Then you will all have those tremendous and safe jobs back.”
Trump continued, “This will also bring back the hundreds of doctors needed to once again treat black lung disease.”
The coal country crowd went wild when a gloating Trump shouted, “Hey, didn’t I promise that you would be incredibly sick from all that winning.”
“And because you asked me to repeal Obamacare, too bad you won’t have any coverage.”
Later, in Ypsilanti Michigan, Trump said, “Coal wasn’t easy but it is now time for a big league win.”
“By 2018, I will bring back all forty thousand Buggy Whip manufacturing jobs lost to NAFTA.”
When Anderson Cooper pressed Trump as to whether buggy whips even exist anymore, Trump responded, “Totally dishonest reporting. From now on I will only answer questions from Sean Hannity.”
Later, at a packed rally in Birmingham Alabama, Trump said, “I spoke to Breitbart and Sessions and we are going to re-create the biggest jobs program in the history of the South.”
“Sessions told me that if his friends in South Carolina are given a few 18th century sailing ships then the entire thing won’t cost the American tax payer a single dime.”
Early this morning, a Boston Globe reporter asked Kellyanne Conway if Trump’s “Thank You” tour would take him to Nantucket to save the whaling industry.
“No”, she said, “Massachusetts didn’t vote Trump. That’s going to be on his F-U tour.”